Crab Legs and Crackerjacks, & a Born Again Christian

The unstated rule is if the hours are early, Will is behind the wheel. He gets a sick joy from waking up when others are out cold just to see what the day has in store. Todd, on the other hand, needs a few “quiet moments”, which generally means sunglasses on and a cup of coffee in hand; he is typically very volatile at these times. Thus, we departed before the sun popped over the horizon, Will had his foot on the pedal heading to the land of steel and union labor, Pittsburgh.

By the time we got there it was evident that the rain gear, which had been deep at the bottom of our respective duffel bags, was going to be a necessity. It was only a matter of time before we got a serious scare from Mother Nature, wasn’t it? Will went to work right away, meanwhile Todd rubbed elbows with the Yinzers (the local term for the inhabitants of Pittsburgh) at a bar across the street from PNC Park and managed to pull a Will Holmes Special: acquiring a free beer. Shortly before the game, the gratis tickets were found and we entered the beautiful complex. First, Todd called his girlfriend’s aunt’s husband (I guess that would make him her uncle…), Mike, and their son, Michael, who were already in the stadium and wanted to be a part of our traveling show. The pouring rain became too much and we decided to sit underneath the overhang for the majority of the ballgame. The Pirates, who got drilled by the Cubs, were horrible. But even dumpster fire organizations make history. The game officially guaranteed a losing season for the club, thei17th straight, which is a North American professional sports record. We were a part of history! When a team is this bad, you need something else to pass the time. Will thankfully brought in the ice bag full of leftover crab legs. They tasted just as good as the night before, yet Todd managed to seriously gash his finger. Evidently he intended our row, much like the field, to be covered in blood.

Note: As we write, Todd is talking live on the air with Chris “Mad Dog” Russo about the road trip. Predictably “The Dog” asked about our favorite park so far, Todd told him Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City was the most underappreciated and that the Midwest fans in places like Milwaukee are the most friendly. Russo did however give Todd some pushback on his analysis of the Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Still, it was quite the thrill, considering the program is a mainstay on our satellite radio dial for five hours each day.

After the game, we headed 20 miles or so out of town to Gibsonia for a quiet, relaxing evening at Mike and Kathy’s (the aunt). Dinner was a combination of sandwiches from a famous local deli (they had french fries inside of them… an odd but successful marriage) and chicken grilled at the house. Considering what we put in our bodies most days, this was like a gift from the heavens. After we were sufficiently comfortable, Mike suggested we play some pool against him and Thomas, their younger son. Bad decision as we got our clocks cleaned and never won. Surely, our substandard performance was the result of Prizm Elbow and not our lack of talent.

The next morning, we unfortunately had to say goodbye to our fabulous hosts and headed up to Buffalo to have lunch with May’s grandfather, Fran. He is really solid man who had us laughing from the outset. We agreed that it would be a shame to visit Buffalo without a meal of wings. Fran recommended a local favorite, Duff’s, which was delicious. Fran and Will played it pretty cautious in terms of spiciness, while Todd decided he had to try a single “death” wing. He managed one bite before it proved too much. Oh if only the camera was handy for a picture of him guzzling all the liquids at his disposal.

On our way out of town, Will insisted on doing a walk down memory lane at Wegman’s. While it was the location that fed him throughout his time at Syracuse, it was good enough. He bought a souvenir two liter bottle of cola, which he has been rationing ever since.

Next it was across the border into our North American brother to the north for a game in Toronto. Our couch surfing requests had gone unanswered so we spent a good part of the drive reliving the schemes brainstormed in Miami. Could there possibly be a concourse at the Rogers Centre (we like our spelling better) that could provide refuge? Like it or not, we were soon faced with the decision to attempt it. Though, there was a baseball game to watch there first. Same story, just different day. Will kept the streak arrived with free tickets, this time from a businessman outside the stadium who was trying to hawk his corporate seats. Will told “the story” and he elected to contribute. The game was a dud. Minnesota’s best player, Joe Mauer, had an off day and it was actually the lively chants from upper deck that proved the most entertaining (and of course sneaking down to 3rd row seating).

After the game, we had some beers in a back alley and contemplated our options. One possibility was the trash heap that contained a box spring. The light in our head’s flickered but we weren’t drunk enough to pull the trigger. Other ideas were scaling an apartment building and sleeping one of the units’ balconies, along with hoping a gate into a private courtyard. The problem with the first was our fear of heights; the problem with the second was the closed circuit camera that was starring us in the face. Finally, we crammed back in the car, searching for a quiet alley where we could grab a few hours of rest inside the Prizm. Will, who can fall asleep whenever he pleases if the vehicle is in motion, of course dozed off only to be awoken an hour later when Todd came to a dead end in posh neighborhood. Seeing a small patch of trees next to a chain link fence, we figured the spot was as good as it would get. We had just laid down our sleeping pads and began crawling into our sleeping bags when disaster struck. Just our luck, the sprinklers came on.
Our hysterical laughter and the slamming of the trunk must have woken up the residents of the neighborhood. Yet, the unforgettable scene of us loading our slightly damp possessions and gasping for air was priceless.

So now it is Will’s turn to look super sketchy driving the streets of Toronto. With a change of driver, also comes a change of method. Todd falls asleep and Will begins the drive north believing that getting away from the urban center is in our best interest. Ten minutes later, but still technically in the city, Will pulls off highway, and miraculously comes across a “conservation area”. Seeing no gate and no signs explaining otherwise, Will woke Todd for affirmation that the area is a satisfactory place to rest our heads. Todd agrees, the car is parked and we set out into what amounted to a wild lands area with our tarp, sleeping bags and pads. After trekking up a trail for five minutes and coming across what was either a duck or possibly an alligator, we found a flat spot, spread the tarp, laid out the pads and jumped in our sleeping bags. It is 5:00am and the sun will be up in a few hours. As a sign of our exhaustion and despite it being bright sunny morning with only a few tree branches providing shade, we slept until 11:00am. Still we agreed it was one of the better rests we had yet.

After unsuccessfully trying to get wireless over a cup of coffee, we set the GPS for the public library. We once again sent out a few additional couch surfing requests for Toronto and a couple others for Detroit our next stop of the journey. After a few hours spent randomly surfing the Internet, brushing our teeth in the bathroom and surfing even more Internet, no one had responded with good news about that night in Toronto but thankfully we did arrange for a spot in the Motor City. Then again, we kind of already found our “sanctuary”. And just to keep our consciences clean, we elected not to look into whether or not another stay was lawful.

After utilizing the library/washroom we got our hands on some all-you-can-eat sushi, which was terrific. We drove around the city, which is very cool, parked the car and strolled towards the stadium, as we had elected to take in another Jays game. After drinking a few beers in a courtyard within the financial district (this is Canada after all, we believe you can be ticketed for not drinking beer in public) we arrived at the park and acquired tickets, this time from a group of Bible College students. Apparently, to quote Elwood and Jake Blues, we were on a mission from God.

The game was even emptier this time around. In fact, it was the least attended game at the Rogers Centre EVER. However, that did not prevent us from utterly enjoying ourselves. As we entered the park we heard someone in right field yelling at the players. Our curiosity couldn’t be staved, so we decided to pursue the fan. We sat next to a guy who we’ve determined is the greatest sports fan ever. He yelled “Hi” to every single player on the Jays, all of the ushers and even the batboys. When we say yelled, we mean yelled. And in a park that has about 38 fans within it, all the players all heard him. What stunned us was that they responded! We soon found out that this guy, Andrew, comes to every single game and has for a number of years. He’s known to everyone on the team, and is friends with Kevin Millar. He had acquired a bat from Delmon Young (a player for the opposing team) before the game started, a bag of sunflower seeds, a hat and a ball from the Twins’ bullpen and got Joe Nathan to autograph said ball. Vernon Wells had even left Andrew tickets at the gate. Todd had officially found the only other person that could compete with Will as the best travel companion ever. Andrew talked with the bullpen the entire game and during the 5th inning when he yelled “Hi Kevin Millar” at the top of his lungs, Kevin took his hat off and waved back. Like we said, best fan ever. Andrew’s friend Neil was with him and was super cool. We’re convinced that Canadians breed a special kind of politeness up there. Neil told us that Andrew does this at every game and has a countless supply of souvenirs. Autographs from all the greats, bats, jerseys, balls, hats and even gloves. He explained that most of the opposing bullpen pitchers were just excited that someone knew their names. Andrew had even gone out to lunch with the entire Baltimore Oriels team. After another dull game (despite Halliday being on the mound for Toronto) we left the park with smiles on our faces and in complete awe of our new friends.

Our exit also meant we were off to our secret garden to the north. It was the same drill as the previous night: park, walk the trail, make our beds and laugh ourselves to sleep. The idea was to sleep once again but we evidently went to the well one too many times. At 6am, Will awoke to flip his pillow from the morning dew but noticed a sound coming closer. He nudged Todd and whispered the most memorable words of the trip so far, “We’ve been discovered.” Ok, stay calm. Nothing we could do. The following is what transpired:

Voice but can’t see who it is: “You guys sleep here? You guys sleep heeeerrreeee?”
Will: “Yeah, well not all the time. But we did last night? We are on a road trip around the U.S. and Canada and decided to camp.”
Female, about 50 years old, appears with a huge walking stick: “I made this area so I could meditate in the mornings and you guys are sleeping here.”
Will: “Well don’t mind us.”
(Todd sits up and looks around exhibiting one of those “Is this really happening?” faces)
Todd: This is a really nice place and I can see why you like coming here.
Female starts talking in a stream of conciseness for what seemed like forever: “I am Alice and you need to watch out for the snakes, the government puts them here. My friend told me a secret that they would like to get rid of a group of people. I am a Born Again Christian and he wouldn’t tell me which group but it could be short, stocky people or a half-native people like me.
Will: They tried that once and it didn’t prove too effective so I don’t think you have to worry about it.
Female, as if she wasn’t interested in conversing but just spouting her nonsense without a beat: You guys are so lucky to be doing this. I was married once and I didn’t like it because I couldn’t do anything I wanted.

(Todd at this point is clinging to hope that she was going to eventually leave. Will, on the other hand, wisely knew the game was over and begins packing. Noticing Todd is in denial, he hits him with an elbow and goes, “What the hell is taking you so long?”)

Women, aware that Will is freaked out: Don’t worry about me. I am not going to hurt you.

(This only compounds her sketchiness.)

She continues, and continues and continues. Among her requests was to sleep with us there that night. Will immediately tells her we are going to Montreal, which happens to be the complete opposite direction we are planning to go. Todd finally finishes packing and looks for exits from the verbal rape. Finally, he just interrupts and says we have to go. We speed walk down the trail in absolute silence. When we get to a switchback eye contact is made and we simultaneously exclaim, “Duuuuude.” Then we burst out laughing and ran towards the car.

But there still remained the Delta Force-like effort of leaving the area without crossing paths with anyone else. Todd grabbed the car and started doing sign language to directed where to load everything. Will ran to the spot while Todd opened the door to the backseat. Will deposited and jumped into the passenger side.

In between laughs, howls and screams of celebration about still having a pulse, it was decided that getting back our homeland was probably in our best interest. After a fruitless search over a coffee for camping in Northern Michigan, we headed for the border. Just before crossing, we took full advantage of the Duty Free Store. We are always trying to take advantage of a deal. The agents asked their usual thought provoking questions and within a couple minutes were back on familiar soil.

We immediately basked in the privilege of filling up the gas tank without the fear of it costing us a limb. Next we went to a campsite, only to be told it was going to be roughly the cost of a hotel room to camp. I’m sorry folks, when you’re from Montucky you don’t pay to camp. We ultimately decided to try our luck in Flint, MI for the night. This was a poor decision. More to come…

Todd & Will