The Gospel

After enjoying our time in Denver, we arose from slumber in Dave’s oven/apartment (note: the apt. has a/c, though poverty prevents its use), collected our accoutrements and headed on our way. We considered several potential midway destinations en route to Dallas where our next game would take place. OKC, Wichita, lake motel 6 in N. Texas and camping were all discussed, but we ultimately decided to drive straight through to the big D, where another friend of ours from Bozeman, Brian Witt, lives with his fiancé Chelsea.

The drive was long and filled with discussions regarding whether or not people willingly lived in this area or were members of the witness protection program; this is some forsaken country folks. We pushed on through to Amarillo (which is apparently a giant trailer park smattered here and there with some friendly local chop-shops) and took advantage Jiffy Lube’s policy of topping off oil in between changes for no charge. This frugality would prove unwise as Bubba and Jimbo decided to NOT put the oil cap back on. Oh yes, and naturally we didn’t check the oil the remainder of our drive to Dallas… We didn’t realized this oversight until this morning and we were treated to an engine compartment covered in dirty oil and an engine running two quarts low; splendid. Needless to say Jiffy Lube Corporate will be hearing from Business Will and legal council in due time… but back to the story.

We miraculously exited Amarillo (opting not stay in the “It’ll Do Inn,” which we believe was just another way of phrasing “Condemned Structure”) without shiv wounds and made the final push to Dallas. We arrived after 11 pm, were met by Brian and Chelsea and were promptly provided with beer, pizza and espn… paradise. Our hosts were almost unsettlingly generous and we are both very grateful to them. We were spoiled throughout our stay.

We hit the hay (Will opting for the futon as Todd made a persuasive case for the bed, involving threats and several fervent gesticulations) and were thankful to be out of the Prizm. The next morning Brian and Chelsea whipped us up a mess o southern hospitality that included: eggs, sausage, bacon, english muffins, orange juice and coffee (see: spoiled comment above). We ate liberally, cleaned up and headed out with Brian for a tour of Fort Worth. En route we were treated to Witt’s treatise on the Texas Interstate System. The tale was long and articulate, but for the sake brevity suffice it to say that there were a slue of obscenities and a number of threats made throughout the story.

We arrived downtown, walked around for a bit and were taken to one of Brian’s favorite watering hole’s: The Flying Saucer. The bar was very cool and had countless beers on tap. We drank a few and had some laughs. After quenching our thirsts we headed out and picked up some tobacco: Will opting for a corncob pipe (his choice of tobacco flavor?... “The Aristocrat”… don’t act surprised) and Todd picking up a cigar. We killed some more time walking around downtown, talking about oil money, cotton money and cattle money and then headed towards Arlington where the Rangers play ball.

We arrived at the ballpark early and decided to check out the Cowboys’ new stadium while we waited for the game to begin. This place is a temple of excess. The $1.3 billion stadium is ridiculous in every possible way. Several jokes were made at Todd’s expense regarding the team that plays there and their propensity to lose playoff games. Nonetheless, he was able to soak in some spiritual moments as he stood in front of the temple.

After being sufficiently inspired, we strolled over to The Ball Park at Arlington, listened to Brian explain how Dr. Pepper was "The Gospel" in Texas and prepared for Will to go to work. Before we even stepped foot on the Stadium’s lot a man we presumed to be a scalper asked us if we needed tickets. Will said yes, but we were just looking for extras. (fyi, Will’s making me listen to a country song right now called “Rockin’ The Beer Gut”… for once I’m speechless.) The man said “Merry Christmas” and handed us three tickets. These dear readers were not just any tickets. No, they were $40 tickets to the all-you-can-eat, air-conditioned skybox in right field. Oh yes. We stood there perplexed by our fortune, but quickly Will sprang into action and decided to scalp them, get three more free tickets and make ourselves $100 or so. We agreed, but eventually decided that this was meant to be our off-day and headed up to our luxurious seats. We rode our private elevator up to the deck, grabbed a few free soda’s and got some seats. Being Texas, it was still 95 degrees out so we headed back into the buffet suite and grabbed a table right by the window with a prefect view of the field. We ate our fill of nachos, hot dogs, peanuts and popcorn and relished in the air-conditioned climate. Life was beautiful.

The game started off as a dud. Poor pitching and poorer hitting (with the exception of a first at-bat hommer by the Rangers) made for a long and low scoring game. However, late in the game things began to heat up. The 9th inning began with the Rangers holding a comfortable 4-2 lead over the Red Sox. After quickly getting two outs, the insanity began. The Red Sox ultimately posted 6 runs in the inning and the atmosphere in the stadium was akin to a playoff game: total insanity. It was an absolute blast, though one felt badly for the hometown boys getting embarrassed. Todd’s hatred for the Red Sox only grew after seeing that about half of the fans in the park were rooting for the Sox… what Will calls the Nation Todd calls the Band Wagon. We headed home after a great game, caught some pre-season highlights and hit the sack.

We arose the next morning and headed out to breakfast with Chelsea and Brian. Afterwards we decided to head to the Big D and see the sights. We drove around Highland Park (where W lives) and gawked at the manors that are literally in the heart of the city… very beautiful. After becoming sufficiently jealous we headed downtown to the Dallas Art Museum. The collection was very impressive and included several Pollock’s, some Rodin sculptures, a Rothko and many other gems. The modern galleries were particularly impressive. The highlight of the visit however was not to be found on the walls. Rather, the 40-something Latina security guard named Yolanda who fell in love with Will took the cake. “Mr. Will,” as she called him, was the object of her affection for several awkward moments (including her telling him that she wouldn’t be taken out to Jack-in-the Box, but requested a classier venue for dinner). She also offered us tickets to a Slayer and Marilyn Manson concert. Wow. We respectfully declined and headed out. We left the museum and after Will was scolded for climbing on a sculpture we hopped in the car.

We headed back to Brian and Chelsea’s, soaked in the pool and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Brian cooked up some steak and shrimp and life was good. After dinner, the four of us headed to downtown Ft. Worth for some local flavor. We went to a few different western bars and had an absolute blast. Cotton Eyed Joe came on early in the night, and it was game-on for Will. After entertaining the entire packed bar with his gyrations he became the object of desire for a married cougar whose husband was in the bar. As they danced on stage (her wedding ring easily visible) Will spun her about numerous times and she ultimately became a bit too infatuated. Suffice it to say Will avoided a beat down, to the complete surprise of Brian, Chelsea and Todd… good times. After this magical dance (which included said cougar falling down once or twice) Will snagged up the largest woman in the bar and went back to work. This strategy of making his first partner jealous worked and she called him an a&% hole. Even better times. Having sufficiently left his mark on this bar, we decided to head over to another. We sparked up the corn cob and enjoyed a smoke with an middle-aged British woman. We danced some more, pouring sweat in the Texas heat. After last call we headed out, feeling confident in our Ft. Worth experience. We grabbed some burgers on the way home (Chelsea asking the drive-through guy for “a sack a burgers”), arrived and promptly rested.

We departed this morning for Austin to see Todd’s cousin.

More to come…

Todd & Will